today, for dad

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Today is a mostly regular day~not a momentous occasion like Father's Day or his birthday or his mother's birthday or the day of his retirement, but I'm going to tell you all about how I love my dad.

We have not always had a harmonious relationship.

There were the years I spent living out of the house, by choice, because we both knew it was the best thing for me and yet I look back on the times during those years when we did get together~either heartbreaking sadness on each of our faces or heartbreaking words from each of our mouths.

There were the years that I don't remember seeing him much at all and yet I look back and thank him for his hard work and being away for it gave me a chance to grow up in a very wild and beautiful place, exploring each and every day.

There were the years we didn't communicate at all. Really. These are one of my few regrets in life. I am trying each day in my heart to mend those years, selfishly for myself but I think that some of that mending makes its way to him. I can only hope.

There are the years I am spending parenting and he is *so good* about advising when he should and staying out when he should. Most all of the time.

There are the moments we argue. Sometimes the hard feelings last longer than they should but we always seem to mend the fabric.

There are the years he has spent fighting the urge, the desperate physical urge to say something awful about people who have treated him (or anyone he knows and loves) poorly or even horribly. No matter how awful the other person is towards him he holds his head above that and keeps going. I used to think this was timid. Now I recognize it as courage.

I appreciate and use his advice. Maybe not the very minute he tells it to me. But eventually, which is what matters. To both of us.

Each day I am reminded, through my own actions and those of my children and my interactions with them, just how much like my father I am. I am hoping that each day that fabric grows stronger. 

I love you dad. Always have. Always will. I want to call you every day and yet I don't want to bother you with an abundance of feeling or oversharing so I stay in my corner. But you are always with me and for that I am an especially lucky and happy girl. Yours, always.

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